I’ve been meeting people in alternative ways since 1999. However, a woman I recently met on a polyamorous dating website asked me; how long does it take before you meet someone in person?
For more information on what it means to be poly, here‘s a great article written by a PhD professional.
So her question got me to thinking of all the ways and means I have gone about dating over the years.
How soon is too soon?
I can admit I’ve used Tinder, Her, Hinge — back in the day, BlackPlanet, MySpace, among others to meet single queer women around the world. Depending on the distance, I’ve taken six weeks before meeting someone, four weeks, one week, four days, two days, well over six months; and it all depended upon the chemistry, connection, and compatibility that we had.
According to eHarmony most people decide to wait until there’s enough signs the other person is interested in them before suggesting a meet up. These signs might include:
• An exchange of information about each other
• Evidence of shared interests and compatibility
• Regular, ongoing contact whether by email or phone [text; social media, FaceTime]
• Compliments
• A good rapport and a sense of humor
Match also says: “While circumstances, distance and other factors all play a part it’s reasonable to expect that, after six weeks of regular online contact, the subject of meeting in person will have been discussed.”
That being said, I use dating apps to complement my dating life. I will never solely rely on them to find a date. (I’m much too friendly for that.) So I’ve met men and women the old fashioned way; by making eye contact, smiling, and striking up conversations at bookstores, concerts, on subways, at the park, at readings, coffee shops, at the airport. Any number of ways.
Minding my own beeswax
The year was 1999. Spring to be exact. While standing in line to buy a concert ticket at an overseas club, I met one of my first loves. I was just minding my own business when something told me to turn around.
And when I did... it was literally like a movie. A kind of slow-motion, music-playing-in-the-background kind of effect.
Our eyes met. She smiled, I smiled. She asked my name, I asked her name. We giggled like we were a couple of teenage girls going on our first date. And that we did that night. And the beautiful thing, we were in each other’s lives, off and on, for the better part of a decade. (She will always have a piece of my heart.)
Make your own timeline
Over the years I continued to meet women in person and online. All with their own dating challenges, perspectives, and timelines.
So, I say all of this to say, I think a good meeting time to meet someone you met online is 3 to 4 months.
Think about it; a lot can happen in 3 months. For one, you get see past the representative; that person we have all been — on our best behavior, showing the dopest side of our personality. No bad attitude or at least a limited amount of attitude.
During those first 3 months you, of course, will still include phone calls and video calls; but you could also throw in some letter writing, postcard sending; unexpected gifts in the mail; have flowers delivered just cause. You might even order their favorite lunch and have it delivered to their job.
Honestly, I feel like I’m at my most romantic in long distance relationships. We all have busy schedules so I put a lot of time and thought into planning time together. Plus it keeps things interesting and exciting.
Get into it
Taking your time to meet someone you met online is different for everyone. Naturally you shouldn’t meet if something feels off. But if it feels right it can also set the tone for how fast or how slow you want the relationship to go.
You get to know a person’s character and values; how their personality meshes with yours. You discover their daily routine, likes, and dislikes; family life, home life.
I also like having multiple conversations about intimacy, sex, and romance before getting physical with someone I’m interested in. My primary Love Language is Quality Time. And talking about sex with someone is very different than having sex with them.
Other questions I like to mentally ask myself:
How do they make me feel? What does my gut say about them? When they text, do I smile? Are they respectful? Are they open and honest? Do they respect my time? Value my opinions? Are they emotionally supportive?
A 3-month delay will most certainly reveal a person’s true character. Are they a positive person? Negative? Motivating? Do they live a healthy lifestyle?
Just like on a real date, I want to know who I’m meeting with. Are they active and OUT? Can they dance lol? For those who know me, they know I love to move.
If you know their social media accounts, look at them. This is a big one. Scrolling through someone’s last 10 photos will give you a pretty good idea as to what that person is like in person or what’s important to them.
Bottomline: Within a month, you have already had plenty of conversations about everything from family and friends, to careers and past relationships so that by the time you do meet in real life, you’re that much more comfortable, excited (and flirty) with each other.